


The Henchmen's Union's "So You're Evil, Now What?" Introductory Package

by CaffieneKitty



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Girl Genius
Genre: Bureaucracy, Employment, Everyone likes standardized forms right?, Evil League of Evil, Evil Overlords, Gen, Henchthings gotta hench, Humor, Labor Unions, Meta, Other, Podfic Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-22
Updated: 2008-07-22
Packaged: 2018-03-21 20:55:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3704599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffieneKitty/pseuds/CaffieneKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><div class="center">
  <p>Congratulations<br/>on your acceptance to<br/>The Evil League of Evil<br/></p>
</div>As you are a new member of the League, we at the Henchmen's* Union are pleased to send you our “So You're Evil, Now What?" Introductory package.<p> </p><p>  <span class="small">(*The term Henchman includes men, women, persons or entities of all, any, indeterminate, or several genders, artificial intelligences, animals, plants, mollusks, fish, insects, arachnids, fungi, amorphous blobs, and whatever 'The Squidgy Enigma' is.)</span></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Henchmen's Union's "So You're Evil, Now What?" Introductory Package

**Author's Note:**

> **Reposting to AO3: Originally posted to LJ July 22, 2008** Not sure if this kind of meta-crack is permitted here, but I wanted to mirror it here anyway for safe-keeping. Original posting notes below:
> 
> Okay. Admittedly, this was inspired by [Dr. Horrible](http://www.drhorrible.com/), but also a bit by [Terry Pratchett](http://www.terrypratchettbooks.com/), [Phil Foglio](http://www.studiofoglio.com/), the [Evil Overlord Handbook and associated spin-offs](http://www.sff.net/paradise/overlord.html) and an assemblage of other things. I've been an evil overlord/mad scientist fan for years. It's not really Fanfic, it's not Art, it's... I'm not sure what. Hopefully, it's entertaining.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I'm referencing a whole bunch of stuff that isn't mine here, but just for fun. I own none of it, not even a Henchman.

Congratulations  
on your acceptance to  
**The Evil League of Evil**  


As you are a new member of the League, we at the Henchmen's* Union are pleased to send you our “So You're Evil, Now What?" Introductory package.

(*The term Henchman includes men, women, persons or entities of all, any, indeterminate, or several genders, artificial intelligences, animals, plants, mollusks, fish, insects, arachnids, fungi, amorphous blobs, and whatever 'The Squidgy Enigma' is.)

 

Every Villain Needs a Henchman  
It's always been that way,  
Someone to help in rubbing out  
the heroes you must slay.

Someone to dig up corpses  
or iron your best suit,  
keep track of your finances  
or carry all your loot.

We want to help you reach your goals  
be they epic or mundane.  
We helped out Dr. Frankenstein  
we're Pinky to your Brain

It's a hard job and thankless  
but we think that's okay.  
When your face is on the dollar bill  
that is our true pay!

So call us now and anytime.  
Just tell us what to do.  
We'll vacuum in your secret lair.  
We're not too proud to style your hair.  
We'll even wash your underwear.  
We'll kick some hero derriere!  
We're henchmen through and through!

 

* * *

** Henchman Placement Application Request Form **

Standardized Henchman contracts are available, and pay and benefit requirements and based on your goals as a villain, and the anticipated risk and length of service required. The pay and benefit structure is considerably different for a villain wanting to rule the world than for a villain wanting to inconvenience parts of Nebraska*.

(Note of Trivia: To date, Earworm, Scourge of Nebraska in 1901 (now deceased) holds the record for the lowest required Henchman pay and benefits package, being twelve ears of corn and a clean gunnysack. In today's economy this would be equal to twenty dollars and a t-shirt from Target.)

 

**Please select the following attributes you wish your Henchman to have.**

If an attribute category is irrelevant to your Henchman needs, please leave it blank. While you may have a very specific combination of features in mind, you will be matched with a Henchman much more quickly if you are willing to accept some variance. Please only select the attributes your Henchman MUST have for fastest placement.

(Terms implying gender or species used on this form are assumed to include all genders and species)

 

 **Appearance:** (circle one)

Fearsome / Gruesome / Normal / Attractive / Drop-Dead Gorgeous* / Other  
  
(*This is not a literal descriptor, and does not indicate you will be able to use your Henchman to cause heroes to drop dead, except perhaps very elderly or infirm heroes such as Coronary Man or The Prehistoric Prune.)

 

**Competency Ratings:**  
(Indicate a desired percentage range in any relevant category. Contracts for Henchmen with low competencies or complete incompetence will be discounted accordingly.)

General Overall Competency ________  
  
_Specific skill areas of competence:_  
Acting ________  
Administrative Assistance ________  
Appearing Sane ________  
Assassination ________  
Blending In With The Throngs ________  
Brawling ________  
Cackling ________  
Child-Minding ________  
Cleaning ________  
Computer Use ________  
Contact With Otherworldly Beings* ________  
Cooking ________  
Dancing ________  
Domestic Management ________  
Filing ________  
Fortune-Telling* ________  
Grave-Digging ________  
Heavy Lifting ________  
Interrogation ________  
Janitorial ________  
Laboratory Techniques ________  
Lurking ________  
Medical ________  
Murdering ________  
Personal Hygiene ________  
Psychic Ability* ________  
Research ________  
Singing ________  
Skulking ________  
Spelling ________  
Torture ________  
Other: _____________________ ________  
Other: _____________________ ________  
Other: _____________________ ________

(*The Henchmen's Union cannot guarantee claims of these starred Competencies to be accurate or non-delusional, select at your own risk)

 

 

 **Special Abilities:*** (circle as many as apply)

Useful / Not Useful / Entertaining / Revolting / Other

(*You are of course welcome to go into detail, but the chances of a Henchman in the Union having exactly the special ability you are seeking makes it much less likely for a quick placement.)

 

 

 **Morality:** (circle one)

Utterly Amoral  
Vile  
Depraved  
Unspeakable  
Unprincipled  
Unethical  
Dishonorable  
Unscrupulous  
Ambiguous  
Naive  
Ethical  
Honorable*  
Righteous*  
Just*  
Saintly*

(*If you are considering selecting any Morality level with a star, you may have more luck at the Sidekick's Guild, and may wish to re-examine your evil nature. We suggest perhaps taking a weekend off your scheming to go kick some puppies. Just a thought.)

Please Note: While it may seem appealing to have a Henchman with lower morals than your own, this may lead to discontent and disloyalty in your henchman, and aspirations of usurping your villain-hood.

Please also be aware that opting for a Henchman of higher morality carries with it other associated dangers. For example, requiring a higher morality henchman to do things far below their assessed morality level runs the risk of your Henchman developing a conscience which can be inconvenient at best and lethal at worst.

 

 

Risk and Length of Service:

As mentioned above, contract details depend a great deal on anticipated Risk Level and Length of Service. We respectfully request that you consider these options as realistically as possible, as it is quite difficult and annoying to renegotiate a contract while in a running gun battle.

 

 **Risk Level:** (Circle one)

Minimal / Low / Some / Average / Lots / Tons / Certain Death*

 

 **Length of Service:** (circle one or more)

A week  
A month  
A year  
Two Years  
Five Years  
Ten years  
In perpetuity*  
Until my arch-nemesis _____________ dies  
Until I (the villain) die  
Until you (the henchman) dies*  
Until I kill you.*

(*Selecting these options in the Risk and Length of Service areas will severely limit your placement options as very few Henchmen these days are willing to commit to a Villain/Henchman contract of more than ten years, or a commitment which has no fixed end date, or requires them to be in any way dead, regardless of the potential for resurrection, reincarnation, or long-term care as a brain in a jar or a haunted skull.)

 

 

_**Contract Conditions:** _

All contracts are legally binding, but we know most villains scoff at the law, so we have our own methods of enforcing contract conditions.

If at any time, the Henchmen's Union discovers any undeclared extension of service contract or unanticipated change in risk level or any other non-consensual mistreatment of a Henchman, we reserve the right to remove the Henchman from the placement, or renegotiate the contract per the new situation. If the infractions continue the Henchmen's Union will take action.

We want your evil plot to go as smoothly as possible, so we hope your Henchman will not feel the need to file a grievance, or his loved ones feel the need to file one posthumously, as this will require us to interfere with your on-going operations. This would be regrettable and most disheartening. Sometimes literally, but we try to avoid such extremes these days.

 

We hope we can be of service to you!

Sincerely,

Igor, President (in perpetuity)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] The Henchmen's Union's "So You're Evil, Now What?" Introductory Package](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11318175) by [annapods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annapods/pseuds/annapods)




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